Vulnerable share moment…
I was sitting here, working with ChatGPT to refine my niche (as per every marketing guru on the planet). We were talking about perfectionism as a niche and I asked “what are the pain points?” One of the list items was “overthinking to avoid taking action.”
I felt like the chatbot punched me in the gut.
My next text back was: “Oh ouch. Am I literally overthinking this to avoid taking action? Oh the irony.”
Chatgpt agreed that I might be and invited me to start with something “good enough to get started” and then take one small action.
So here I am. Taking one small action.I think I’ll always be a perfectionist. I like doing a really good job at things. I like the praise and appreciation I receive when I pour myself into a project and it goes really well.
And I really fucking love that I no longer beat myself up when those things don’t happen. I like that I can see failures and mistakes as feedback.
I like that I can actively solicit constructive feedback from safe people who want me to be my best self and are willing to be honest in that vein.
When I was in my 20s, my perfectionism led to burnout and resentment. I was trying to be perfect so that I could be good enough to earn the love and admiration of my colleagues.
In second year of my first degree, I cried all night once when I got a 72% on a really hard math midterm. Half the class had literally failed it, and I was devastated by a B.
The next year, I tried arguing for points on an exam when I already had enough grade on it to to get an A+ in the class; the prof said as much and politely told me to fuck off.
I don’t do that shit anymore.
When I did my second bachelor’s, I barely studied for exams, just reviewed what we’d covered instead of learning every step of every problem we’d done that semester.
My grades were lower, but lo and behold, nothing bad happened. No one died, no one stopped loving me, they didn’t kick me out of school or take away my scholarships. The damned planet just kept on spinning.
But I felt amazing. I didn’t burn out, even in grad school. I didn’t dread going to class or try to change my major. I actually fucking enjoyed it.
This changed because I made the conscious decision that “good enough” was a thing; an arbitrary stopping point that factors in my energy levels, interest, engagement, and the importance of the job.
Literally nothing I do is life-or-death.
But I didn’t stop there. I grew my emotional capacity to be with the anxiousness and discomfort that still arise when I stop a task before it’s perfect.
I remind myself what the cost of my perfectionism had been in the past, and how much less stressed I am now that I can let things go.
Coming back to the opening, this feels so vulnerable to share.
I really want y’all to think I’ve got all my shit together, that I’m a total master at this, and that I’m totally qualified to help people with this because I’m all fixed now.
But that isn’t how my work works! It’s not about fixing anything and being perfect humans, because perfect humans don’t exist!
This work is about being perfectly imperfect humans, warts and all… And still loving ourselves just as much, if not more, than we would if we were actually perfect.
Now I think that was actually makes me qualified isn’t that I’ve got it all figured out.
What makes me qualified is that I’m no longer suffering in my normal confusion of being human.
What makes me qualified is that I know what it’s like to be where you are. I know what my thoughts were then and I have the capacity to be with you through your imposter syndrome, your overwhelm, and the darkest of your negative self-talk.
And I have the capacity to show you compassion and empathy and understanding through all that, and walk beside you as you uncover your own inner wisdom.